When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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