i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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