pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
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you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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