You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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