he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
