you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
