the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
