relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Let's get the cat blown out
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
