Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Rumble strips road head = magical
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
