just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
