Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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