that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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