i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
