If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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