Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
