I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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