chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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