genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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