When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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