Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
