you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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