ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and itβs skill. Iβm interested in learning more about it ;-)
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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