I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
