I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
