I met the friendliest cop last night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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