So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
