I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
