time to smoke my breakfast
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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