the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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