There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
