I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
