wakey wakey hands off snakey
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
