Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
