I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
