I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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