Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
