she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
