Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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