if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
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Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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