Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
