Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
