cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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