you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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