When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck