I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
