I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
