Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
