i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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