so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How does one acquire holy water?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
