Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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