Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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