matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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