fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
