thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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