I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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