So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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