is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
