You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
